Life, the universe and all that...

I have four children. I didn't start out saying I am going to have four children... but you know life twists and turns and you make the best decisions you can at the time and before you know it... well you're not exactly where you thought you would be. But that's ok... Every year on each of their birthdays I spend a little time re-living their arrival in the world and thinking about how wonderful it was to be a new mum. This year, my eldest will be 32 and it's her birthday on Wednesday. I have been thinking of how it was when I was pregnant with her and how much the world has changed since then.

In 1977 I found myself a single mum-to-be in a world where this kind of thing was still frowned upon - not so much in London where I was living but certainly in my home town in the north of Scotland. And certainly by my parents. The pressure to have an abortion was immense. My doctor tried to persuade me, the child's father, my friends, everyone I knew... but I wanted this little creature for me, and I desperately wanted to be loved by someone so I was determined to have the baby and whats more to do it on my own. It was more a case of not wanting to be a nuisance to anyone... that's the way I was brought up you see.

I turned to a charity that was fairly new at the time called Life. They were very Christian (Catholic) and disagreed with trying to persuade young girls in my situation to have an abortion. They were very helpful, even though I did not consider myself a Christian - I would say that the charity has grown and changed a bit, certainly from the look of their website.


You see it all happened at the wrong time... I had just started a new job - working as a copy writer in an advertising agency. My boyfriend had disappeared in a cloud of dust pretty much the instant the word 'pregnant' was whispered. My father and Step-mother were a very long way away... and not exactly the kind of people to be sympathetic. I can't remember why but I needed to move flat too. Anyway, the 'Life' people ran a hostel for fallen women (I know that sounds very Victorian) in Harlesdon, North London and they said there was a free room which I could have if I wished. I moved in right away, but soon found that the bus journey across London to my job was a nightmare and what with my hormones racing, I simply could not cope, so I felt I had to hand my notice in.


I found a job in a hardware store in Harlesdon - all the time concealing that I was pregnant, if future employers knew, they simply would not employ me. After about a month during which time I got on famously and was being given more and more responsibility, the shop was burgled overnight and the detective who investigated the robbery informed my boss that the home address I gave was a hostel for pregnant women. I was given the sack shortly afterwards. No, of course there were no laws to protect me, this was 1977!



I managed to get a job in Kensington working at Bailey's Hotel as a junior housekeeper. I had worked in hotels before so this was not such a strange choice. Staff accommodation came with the job. The hotel was not quite so posh as it looks today, in the 70's it was a bit tired and run down. But the hotel had character and I liked it very much. A Victorian purpose-built hotel which housed the first lift (or ascending room) in London. It required a bell hop to operate it and he wore a uniform with a hat - which I thought was great. There were two junior housekeepers, a Yugoslavian girl called Irene (pronouned Iraina) and myself. The head housekeeper did not live in the hotel so between Irene and me, we not only worked the regular shifts from 7am to 3pm every day, but covered every day of the week on call as duty housekeepers.


I remember one night getting a call from reception to say that there had been a leak in one of the guest rooms and we had to move the occupant into another room. While there I thought I had better check the adjacent room and knocked at the door. A voice said "come in" and when I entered I saw a Japanese man sat up in bed reading with his umbrella up and water pouring through the ceiling! He said he was perfectly alright and did not want to move. There were quite a few fun things happened while I was there, and equally quite a few not so fun things too. I can't look at a KFC bucket without heaving... (another time perhaps).

The manager of the hotel at the time was an Egyptian gentleman called Mr Sharifi. He was very kind to me, and I got the impression that even though he was married (and a muslim) he rather liked me. I discovered afterwards that he had a thing for fat girls... I was concealing my pregnancy and deliberately not wearing maternity clothes... I hated that people thought me fat. I couldn't talk to anyone about it and I wasn't able to buy a single thing for the baby in case anyone saw. I avoided maternity clothes which would accentuate my bump and wore skirts and blouses - not tucking the blouse in of course! I just looked like a fat frump!


The job was strenuous, there was no lift for the staff to use and lots of walking up and down stairs. I stayed until I was 7 months pregnant and finally the head housekeeper asked me if I was expecting and of course I had to say yes. She gave me my notice instantly, told me that the management had a policy about that sort of thing and added that it wasn't a good job health wise for me either.

I had no choice. I phoned my father and asked if I could come home. Within a week I was on the overnight train from London to Inverness. I booked a sleeper compartment which meant sharing with a woman I didn't know. When I realised that I had been assigned the top bunk I was really concerned about getting up the ladder - I mean I was the size of a house! So I asked very nicely if I could swap bunks and she simply said 'No'. I was stunned. She was young and fit and healthy and I couldn't see why she wouldn't swap with me. Anyway. I couln't get up the steps so I asked the guard if I could move but he came back to tell me that the train was full and there was nothing he could do. I spent most of the night sat in the dining car.

That sort of characterises my whole pregnancy. I felt very alone but simply had to get on with it. You would think that being at home with my parents would have made things better... alas no, well I would have gone home sooner if that were the case. Ante natal classes were something quite new up in the north of Scotland and I looked forward to meeting other mums to be, until my step mother exclaimed that I didn't need to go to classes, that I should just wait until it happened like she had done.... needless to say I was intimidated enough to not go.


When my darling little Sarah-Jean arrived, looking so perfect and so beautiful, I felt like she was a gift that I did not deserve. As any mother will know, it is a very special moment when you realise that you have created a human being - a complex and incredible creature that will carry part of you into the future. And suddenly you know that this is what it is all about. No, you don't have all the answers (in fact you have a lot more questions!) but the answers are not so important after all.