A couple of weeks ago during a very bored moment, I found this blog on blogs of note. I don't often promote other people's blogs , but this one is different. As is, this particular post. You see over the last few weeks I have been reaching a special point in my life. It's not a special birthday, and nothing momentous has happened... it's just like, well autumn has arrived.
I tried very hard to hang on to the summer... for the last two years I have been hanging on to the summer, refusing to embrace my autumn and all that it brings. But now I feel ready to move on. Why now? I don't know. Perhaps it was the recent round of celebratory parties that involved numerous photographs - all of which really suprised me, I don't look like I used to. I have a double chin that wasn't there before. Curves and cushion-like bulges where I used to be smooth and taut.
I am tired of buying henna for my hair but afraid too of how old I will look without it. Every month I have to spend a day covering the grey roots - some of which are totally white. If I let it go back to nature, why, I will just be like all the other grey haired women. You know that typical short curled grey/white hairstyle that all older women seem to acquire. Where does that come from? It's like some hat you get when you reach a certain age - a grey cloak that marks you out as .... old.
I was always determined not to succomb to the 'forever young - you're worth it' culture... but when it comes to it - it's hard not to. And allowing nature to take it's course is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done. I went grey once before, but that was different, you see the hair was grey but the face was younger... now the face will match the hair.
I keep telling myself that our culture is wrong not to celebrate the coming of autumn years and the wisdom and experience that people at this age have to offer - and I do feel that, at last, I can offer some experience and wisdom that is my own - not gleaned from other people's writings - but I still 'feel' like I'm not ready to look old and it is making me unhappy.
And then I read Rima's post about the autumnal clock she has just made for a lady who is embracing the coming of her own personal autumn. And I thought perhaps it was time to dive in. It's no good just sticking the toes in the water like I have been doing for the last couple of years, that has only led to discontent and feelings of dissatisfaction. So here goes. I am not going to buy any more henna and perhaps its time to look for underwear that will fit my cushions comfortably.